My prayer for some time has been that God would use me and that I would fulfill my purpose for Him. So, maybe it’s as simple as that I am willing. However, I struggle with knowing if it’s from God or from my own thoughts running wild… I am very analytical and tend to think way too much.
I am feeling very insignificant in the scheme of things and so unsure of myself. Maybe this is the very reason that God’s been pushing me towards this. I am like you, and as such maybe you’ll be able to relate to me more easily than others.
I am certainly not perfect and after reading C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity, I have come to realize many things about myself. One of my biggest concerns about this site now has become… what do I hope to gain from it? Do I deep down wish for some kind of acknowledgement from someone, a nice pat on the back? Do I want some kind of recognition for my “good” work? I certainly hope not.
I do know this…. I have come to realize that I have the most evil of sins that I contend with, and that is the sin of pride. The very same sin that caused the Devil to be cast out of Heaven. It is a new realization since reading Mere Christianity and I’m sure God brought it to my attention early in this process in order to help keep it in check.
The opposite of pride is humility… I thought I had humility in abundance, but apparently not. I’m humble from all appearances on the outside, but on the inside and through my thoughts I am noticing an arrogance about me. That knowledge has been humbling.
So, this will be a process for me, something I’ll have to keep in check daily, for I fear that I will begin to think that I did all of this myself, when the reality is, it is God giving me the ability and working through me. Pray for me and remind me frequently that I may stay humble, for there’s nothing I can do without God’s help.